Added: Nayda Mims - Date: 22.08.2021 23:17 - Views: 49863 - Clicks: 2926
Listen Now - Marriage Builders Radio. Print Thread. I moved in with my wife to be, but now she saids she does not know if she wants to marry me because I will control her life. I speak all the time about being submissive and she said does that mean I have to do everything you ask?
I said if I am not asking you to do anything crazy yes. I also told her that I am submissive to you aswell, whatever she asks me I will do it for her. I need to know why do some women look at being submissive as being controled? To the woman out there that might read this post I am not trying to control I am trying to understand!! Being submissive is not being controling, being dominating or dominated can be controling.
However if she feels this way then you might want to get to the root of whats really going on with her before getting married. I agree Joe and that is a challenge in itself. I have found that the things I thought she would know about being a wife she does not know. But there is a catch we are not married yet so she does not have to be submissve to me yet.
That is something I am learning to deal with, but am I wrong for wanting her to be submissive now verses waiting until we get married? I feel you should act like your married before you get married, but what do I know!!
Tlove First off, if you "Speak ALL the time" about pretty much anything, I can see how she can view it as controlling. It's like you are trying to pound your beliefs into her head. Heck, it may not be the submissive thing at all rather how you verbally push your aggenda. On the brother issue, neither of you are right or wrong, if anything you are both wrong. You talk about praying that she'll come around and pushing the idea of a submissive wife which I p comes with religous backing, yet y'all are shacking up, what's up with that?
Now let's cut to the bottom line. One major cause for failure of marriages is that people don't share the same ideas and goals of marriage. What is your idea and goal of marriage? What is hers? If things were to remain as they are, I would say you were a fool if you went through with marriage because y'all obviously don't share the same ideas as to what a marriage ought to be and even now before marriage you are building resentments that it won't take to long for y'all to trip over.
So why did you choose to move in with her? Why do you want to marry someone with such different views? I'm a guy and clearly understand the submissive thing. I know it has it's benefits. But it only works well in the hands of a guy who doesn't abuse it.
It works when the wife is submissive and the husband in-turn is REALLY looking out for his wife's needs and well-being. That means asking her opinion, choosing her hapiness over your own at times. Many of the churches will even tell you that a leader should lead as a servant to his people. You can view yourself the same way. As a leader in the house, your job is servant for the household; not king. Just to have submission so the guy can feel like "a man" is missing half of the equation. So I'd take a good look to make sure you are being the kind of man you should be. I can understand where you are coming from Bill and I will take your thoughts into consideration.
I moved in with her because I thought we were preparing for marriage but like you said we have different veiws. I did not know that until now. On the shacking thing many people don't agree with me but my view on that is if we don't have sex what sin are we committing? There is nothing wrong with a male and a female living under the same roof. You can have sex and not be living together what is the difference. If we had not lived together then I would have never known what I know now.
I am great for the constructive critisism but I must say Bill the tone of your sounds a bit harsh!! Tlove, I don't think Bill was harsh. He was direct and gave you some serious things to think about. Since marriage is a serious thing it shouldn't be entered into lightly. You are here because things aren't going well and that is good. You are going to get alot of advice from some pretty bright people who have learned alot and don't want to see you make the same mistakes they have or have seen others make.
Personally, as far as marriage goes, please reconsider. It doesn't seem like you are ready nor that you two are meshing as partners. If you are the least bit concerned about the problems you are having now you can multiply that fold for what will happen after you say "I do". It only gets worse. Wedding vows do not solve problems. You would be very smart to set aside the tone that you read into Bills reply and really listen to him. He knows of what he speaks and is a very wise man.
He also holds his beliefs in high regard and can offer you alot on that perspective. The Da Vinci Code Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. Dale Carnegie What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I would say that the proof is in the pudding. Why is that? IMVHO both are sins. Sex changes the dynamics of the relationship especially when introduced to early just like shacking up changes the dynamics. Many then begin trying to dictate and control their bounty. When in fact, in a relationship that lasts a lifetime, the man and woman for that matter, only stop courting and perusing when they draw their last breath.
IMVHO it should be on communication. Communication is the key, how many times have you heard that? Look the word up in a dictionary or check for synonyms in a word processing program. What are those things? Just knowing what a wife should do and what a wife should not do. Example she does not like to let me know where she is going to be. I feel that a couple should be able for each other. She saids that I am being noisy, when she goes out she just like to say I am going out and I don't know where.
That kind of thing bothers me What is your definition of her being submissive? Submissive to me is if I am loving the way a husband is suppose then you should have no problem doing some of things I ask you. To me being submissive is if you are going to leave the house let me know where you are going. I have come to the place of realizing that we are not ready for marriage. I have learned to work on me and stop trying to fix her.
The problem I am having the most if remembering that she is not my wife. But at times I still want her to treat me like a wife should, but that is not going to happen until she is my wife. This forum has helped me a lot. I have learned to talk less and pray more. My desire is not to come across as demanding or controlling, so I am willing to work me so that I don't become that kind of person.
S: adj submissive inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others or showing such inclination "submissive servants"; "a submissive reply"; "replacing troublemakers with more submissive people" S: adj slavish, subservient, submissive abjectly submissive; characteristic of a slave or servant "slavish devotion to her job ruled her life"; "a slavish yes-man to the party bosses"- S. Adams; "she has become submissive and subservient". I strongly agree.
We can twist and distort all we wish. What is it that we value most? The husband respects the wife. The wife respects the husband. Yes, there are roles that are traditionally upheld in the Bible sense; however, it sounds like we are not in that context. In addition, why ask? Living together is not a viable option if we would like to get into "submissive" and "controlling" as it pertains to a healthy Christian-oriented belief system. So my question is No two people on this earth are created the same and as far as I know, none of us are mind-readers.
So that brings us to the foundation of any relationship that lasts, communication. You have to learn to effectively communicate your wants, needs, and desires. She seems to be grasping onto her independence but further there seems to be a certain lack of respect there. Do you know why that is? I would highly recommend some pre-marital counseling either through the church or through a professional. I think you have a distorted view of healthy, biblical, marital submission.
Not uncommon given some of the churches distortion and abuse of the passages in ephesians. Submission in no way relates to control. So if your GF is feeling controlled, you can't dispute her feeling, because that's what she feels. And mutually respectful submission isn't controlling. As to your other point about living together, we are called as well to not present ourselves in such a way that it might cause our weaker brothers to stumble. Certainly, the expectation is that if you're living together, you're having sex, sending a mixed message to those who are weaker in their faith, or still examining their own beliefs.
I will say all of the comments have help me a great deal. Right now were are not talking about marriage we are working on communicating. Looking at what I can do verses trying to get her to see things my way has made things much better for us. There is a great outlook for us now, and definitly there will be counsling before we make the big step. As for as respect for me goes, part she is afraid that I am going to control her life so she has been hesitant to fully respect and allow herself to do much of anything, but even that is getting better with the help from this forum!!
It's interesting you should ask that.Submissive women forum
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